Horrific First Meetings
by ShadesofImagination
Summary: Everyone has that fairytale notion of what a first meeting should be like...too bad they're hardly ever like that. Multiple pairings and chapters. Slashy fun.
1. Page One

**A/N: Guess what guys! If you eat M&M's and then drink strawberry soda right after it tastes like apricots! Amazing, no?**

**Please thank the amazing Underhandlilies for provoking the prompts and KittenFair for making me want to do a drabble series. **

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**Horrific First Meetings, The Final Fantasy FVII Way - Drabble Series, Page One**

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**Puke**

**Characters: Seph/Cloud**

There was something to be said for eating in the cafeteria.

Don't. Fucking. Do it.

Cloud Strife stumbled into ShinRa's glass elevator, too concerned with his rolling stomach to be properly frightened by the moving death trap. Usually, he might have been bothered enough to huddle against the little circular numbers and squeeze his eyes tightly shut while repeating Zack's chocobo song in his head over and over. Today, however, he was more concerned with keeping his lunch from doing a repeat performance.

Once was bad enough.

He took a slow breath in through his nose and let it out through his mouth; counting each second. It helped somewhat and he was able to swallow safely.

The ride was smooth- smoother than it normally would have been- and Cloud was quite proud of himself for not spewing all over the floor yet.

"Damn you, Zack," he groaned. "Why did you want to meet me today?"

With a cheerful tone, the doors finally slid open and Cloud sighed in relief. Maybe if he got to Zack's office and sat down the urge to vomit would subside. He made his way down the hall, tossing May, the floor secretary, a rather green smile and trudged into the room his best friend occupied. "Zack, do you have any stom-" His sentence was cut off when he noticed his hyper active friend was no where in sight and looked up into green cat's eyes.

Or...maybe the urge to say a quick 'hello' to the so-called pasta would come back ten fold...

"Cloud Strife, I take it?" The cool baritone of General Sephiroth broke the silence and, had Cloud not been suffering the affects of ShinRa's gruel, he might have taken the time to appreciate it.

_Oh shit. _

Cloud clapped a hand over his mouth, saluting with the other, and willing his stomach to not do this right now- not in front of his crush and the most powerful man in ShinRa. This was not the first impression he'd wanted to make! He let out a pathetic whimper and felt his eyes prick.

Great, now, on top of everything else, he was going to cry.

"Strife? Are you alright?" The General asked, placing a hesitant hand of the younger man's shoulder.

He nodded weakly, mouth watering profusely, and immediately wished he hadn't. With a strangled warning, Cloud emptied the contents of his stomach.

All. Over. Sephiroth.

Cloud coughed, the bile burning the back of his throat even as it tightened when tears started to leak down his face. He just _puked_ all over the General. _The _General. General _Sephiroth_.

The General who had a horrified look on his face and was staring down at the partially digested contests dripping down his front. "Strife...I do not believe I have ever intimidated anyone into vomiting on me..."

A weak, slightly hysterical giggle bubbled out before he could stop it as he glanced up at the man. "It's nice to meet you too, sir," he managed right before diving for the trashcan.

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**Gum**

**Characters: Sephiroth/Zack**

Zackary Fair loved to do many things; chase chocobos, make paper snowflakes, create masterpieces out of his mashed potatoes, do belly flops, and time how long it took him to run around the compound were just a few.

Blowing fucking huge bubbles with his gum was another.

It was with great emotion- more suited to the dramatics of that Red Commander guy- that he was really, really regretting that last one.

"_Zackary _Fair, is it?," General Sephiroth bit out, green eyes turning to glare directly at him. He felt himself gulp and tried to stop his knees from knocking together. "If there is _gum _in my _hair_...you have better. Fucking. Run!"

Zack needed no further instruction as he turned on his heel and took off down the hallway.

That was _not _the way he wanted to meet the silver haired SOLDIER. Angeal was going to kill him when he found out! Zack whimpered as he barreled down the halls, shouting out warnings and generally trying to dodge anyone that looked like they could kick his ass.

Which as a new Third Class was just about everyone.

Everyone up to and including the irate man that had just stepped into the hall in front of him. Maniacal glint in his bright, glowing eyes, a pair of sharp looking scissors in his hand. He skidded to a stop, barely managing to not slam into the Silver General.

"S-s-sir?"

"Third Class Fair. I've heard quite a lot about you."

"Really, sir?" Zack scratched the back of his head, eyes darting around for an escape route. "All good I bet."

A silver eyebrow arched at him. "My sources were obviously lying through their teeth." Sephiroth shifted the scissors in his hand. "That is neither hear nor there at the moment, however. Now, Zackary, I hope you aren't too attached to your tongue."

The high pitched shriek that echoed through the halls was enough to send most people running. Not Genesis Rhapsodos though; he had to trudge down the hall to see one of his best friends pinning down a flailing young man with spiky black hair.

"Seph? Why are you on top of Angeal's puppy?"

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**Car**

**Characters: Angeal/Zack/Cloud**

**World: AU**

"Oh. My. God! Angeal is he dead? Did I kill him 'Geal?" Zack's shouting was abruptly cut off by a callused hand clamping firmly over the source of all the noise.

"Pup. I doubt you killed him trying to back out of the driveway."

"Mmmfffllllmmm."

Angeal bit back the urge to roll his eyes as Zack's tongue swiped across his palm and dropped his hand, moving around to the end of the car where the head of blond spikes disappeared, ignoring Zack's whining next to him.

Sky blue eyes blinked up at him. "Ouch," the young man groaned. "If you wanted your paper earlier all you had to do was say so..."

"Paper?" Zack chirped, apparently forgetting that he'd just attempted to run over the young man only moments ago. If Angeal were any less concerned for the paperboy's well being he might have chuckled at his puppy's antics.

Maybe.

The blond raised a paper that was clutched in his hand. "Paperboy."

Zack's eyes widened comically and he turned to Angeal, gaping. "Angeal!" He squawked. "I just ran over a public employee! That's a crime isn't it?"

A warm hand came down on the top of black spikes. "Pup. It's a crime to run over _anyone_."

"Even Genesis?"

"Puppy!"

"Uh, excuse me..."

Two sets of eyes turned to the man still lying on the pavement. "Yes?"

He pointed to a tan strap around his shoulder. Angeal's eyes followed it up and under the car to a bag that- at one time; pre-Zack- had been packed full of rolled papers. Now, they were just flat.

With a sigh, he knelt down and helped the boy untangle the strap from his body and took the keys from Zack. "I'll move the car," he turned to the pup with a stern expression. "Stay with him."

"Right!"

While Angeal started the car, Zack beamed at the young man as he helped him to his feet. "I'm Zack!"

"Cloud," the paperboy mumbled warily, taking a step away from his attempted murderer.

The childish light dropped from Zack's eyes the minute the car pulled into the garage. He turned to Cloud with a pink tint to his cheeks. "Okay, seriously I ran you over on purpose."

A chocked sound came from the man next to him and Zack continued hurriedly. "Not like that! It's just, you're cute and I see you every morning and I wanted to ask you out but Angeal said I couldn't harass you or anything because you might not be into this kind of thing."

"..." Wide sky blue eyes blinked up at him. "So you ran me over with your damn car?"

"Well, yeah," Zack replied, as if that was the obvious solution.

After a long moment of hesitation, Cloud sighed. "Do your run all of your dates over?"

Zack grinned triumphantly. "Not with a car. I used a shopping cart on Angeal."

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**The idea of Zack running Cloud over with a car to get a date is far too funny to me. Hope you enjoyed and I'd love some suggestions on what you guys want to see. There will probably be a few more pages. **


	2. Page Two

**A/N: Page two of the horrific meetings. **

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**Numb**

**Characters: Reno/Tseng**

There was somebody up there...

Stolen Electro-mag rod in hand, Reno crept around the back of the couch and stepped up onto the broken side table. It wobbled precariously but he ignored it, used to his shitty furniture. There was only so much one could work with in the slums and Reno was of the opinion he actually had it pretty good living over the old florists shop.

Why the hell someone put a florists shop so close to the train graveyard was anyone's guess.

Another drop of water feel from between a cracked piece of sheetrock and splashed on his face. The redheads scowl deepened and he adjusted his grip on the handle.

Resisting the urge to mutter a few well chosen expletives, Reno jammed the rod up through the soft ceiling and jabbed the button, sending a high voltage shock right into something soft.

There was a masculine yelp and then the cocking of a gun could be heard.

Snickering to himself, Reno jumped off the back of the couch and scurried out the door, snagging his wallet on the way.

As he was just about to jump down the first flight of stairs there was a loud crash, followed by a muffled groan, and Reno froze. When there was no further sound, he slowly crept back to the door and peeked in.

A dark haired man was laying on the floor, one hand rubbing his ass, the other clutching some kind of easily concealable hand gun. The blue suit registered in Reno's mind and everything else came to a screeching halt.

A Turk.

He'd just electrocuted a _Turk_. In the ass.

"Stop staring and help me before I shoot you," the man snapped.

Blinking, Reno nodded slowly. "Uh, right, right, yo."

When he didn't move dark eyes turned to him and narrowed into a glare. "Move!"

Not two minutes later, Reno found himself tied to a chair, hands cuffed behind his head and frowning at his own stupidity. Really...had he honestly been dumb enough to fall for that?

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**Shorts**

**Characters: Angeal/Zack**

"Do a belly flop!"

"No! Those hurt," Zack whined, turning big watery eyes on Reno. The pout was lost on his friend and he huffed. "I'm not doing that again. Last time I threw up."

A disgusted look crossed the redhead's face and he glanced down at the water. "Yo...ya didn't in the pool...right?"

"Nope. I made it to the toilet." Zack beamed at him, returning to his usual, cheery self. That is until he caught sight of something over Reno's shoulder and his eyes glassed over, expression softening. The Turk snickered to himself. Only one man could cause that expression.

Angeal Hewley was on lifeguard duty today- which, Reno thought belatedly, was probably why Zack had insisted on swimming. A lot of the SOLDIERs took turns monitoring the training areas, the pool included. He and Rhapsodos were the only certified lifeguards at the moment.

"Go talk to him, yo."

Zack blinked. "Are you stupid? He's...busy."

"Busy...frowning at the wall?"

"He's not frowning."

"Man, he is too! That's all he does."

"Does not!"

Reno rolled his eyes and shoved his friend in the direction of the lifeguard stand. "When has that ever stopped you? Move yer ass."

"Reno..."

"Now, damn it! Or I'll start stealin' those pretty boxers of yours again."

"..."

Somehow, Zack found himself standing at the foot of the deck Angeal was perched on. "Good morning, sir!" He called, waving a little less enthusiastically than was normal.

"It is three o'clock. It's afternoon," Angeal replied, looking down at the Second class in tropical print swim trunks. He was pretty sure those weren't regulation...

"Oh," Zack chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "G-Good Afternoon the-"

The startled shriek that came from the normally bouncy Second was enough to make Reno's head spin. It was worth it though, to watch Zack grab for the shorts around his ankles and go toppling off the edge of the pool with a splash. The commander was off the deck and diving in after him a second later.

When they resurfaced, Reno was long gone and Angeal's frown deepened. He was going to have to speak to Tseng about the behavior of his Turks.

Pantsing...was not exactly professional.

Brushing the thought off to a later day, he looked down at the rather large, warm bundle in his arms. "What's your name, SOLDIER?"

Big blue eyes blinked up at him. The young man's tan cheeks were dark with a blush as he tried, and failed, to spit out his name amidst the coughing up of chlorine water.

"Calm down," Angeal said quietly. "You're fine. Just breath."

Zack took a deep breath, letting it out loudly, when the coughing fit had finally subsided. "Zack Fair, sir."

"Zack..." It was a nice name; very fitting for a puppy such as this one. However... Angeal inclined his head to the opposite end of the pool and a bright patch of cloth floating near the diving board. "Those shorts are not regulation."

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**Popcorn**

**Characters: Genesis/Cloud/Sephiroth**

For the millionth time that afternoon, he twitched.

That smell had to have been coming from somewhere. But _where_? Slamming his hands down on his desk, Genesis Rhapsodos leapt up and stomped out into the hall.

Evidently he'd just had to take a page out of Zack's book and follow his damn nose.

He gave the air a delicate sniff and made his way to the elevator. Once inside the contraption the smell was a little stronger. He leaned closer to the numbered buttons and sniffed again. Noting a shiny looking button to the one for the SOLDIER's personal floors, Genesis punched it.

When the door slid open he was once again assaulted by the smell.

Definitely in the right place...

He walked slowly down the hall, pausing to sniff around each door before coming to a stop right outside of Zackary Fair's room.

"How am I not surprised," Genesis muttered.

He slapped a hand against the door in what someone might possibly consider a knock and waited. And waited...and waited.

Growling, he kicked the door instead- multiple times -and smirked when there was shuffling from inside. A second later the door was wrenched open and Genesis' retort died on the tip of his tongue.

"You're not Zackary," he said lamely.

The little trooper that was blinking sky blue eyes up at him from behind horribly soft looking bangs shook his head. "No, sir."

"I see..." Frowning, Genesis stepped inside and sniffed the air again. "What...is that smell?"

He heard the trooper shift behind him, obviously unsure of whether or not he should let a stranger into Zack's apartment. Finally, the door closed and the blond walked up to stand next to him, a fair distance between the two. "...the popcorn?"

"Popcorn." Genesis said the word slowly and licked his lips. "...popcorn."

A bowl was thrust into his hands and Genesis arched a thin eyebrow. "I'm Cloud," the trooper blurted, stumbling forward. "Popcorn's good. Try it."

Unfortunately, in Cloud's clumsiness, the popcorn was dropped as the two toppled backwards, Genesis' boot catching on the sofa's corner. His breath was forced out as Cloud landed on top of him and his arm wrapped around the blond's waist automatically.

"I-I'm so sorry!" Cloud babbled, staring down at Genesis with wide eyes.

Genesis would never know whether it was those big blue eyes or something to do with the strange thing called popcorn that possessed him to lean up and halt the younger man's babbling with a kiss. All he knew was that the Goddess was really being generous because Cloud was gorgeous, and soft, and shy in all the right ways.

When Cloud was suddenly jerked away from him, letting out a strangled yelp in the process, Genesis' body couldn't decide if it wanted to choke or laugh.

Sephiroth looked pissed.

"What are you doing_...kissing...my boyfriend_?" The General hissed at a wide eyed Cloud. A Cloud who promptly burst into tears that even his Royal Frostiness couldn't resist.

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**Blame for the popcorn thing fully goes to KittenFair. The first and last were written so I could post the middle one, which has been done for ages. I really wanted Reno to light Tseng's ass on fire D: but I couldn't figure out how to make it work. Maybe next time? **


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